Chase Kessler

United States

-Skilled in the use of 9 curse words
-Once programmed a calculator AI so sophisticated, it was legally considered a US citizen before an error cleared the RAM
-Guardian of the sacred Magic Umbrella of Tempest, which he lost
-Currently not on fire (subject to change at any moment)
-Suffers from moderate Icthyophobia
-Passionate advocate of the Guns for the Homeless Foundation
-Lifetime member of the Doritos Lovers Association
-Believed to be invincible from age 12 to 15
-Constantly monitored by 7 different federal organizations, and on 12 government watch lists
-Ran a 5-year experiment to test the effects of prolonged exposure to radiation on the human body; all three of his heads agreed the results were inconclusive
-Adamantly refuses to acknowledge the existence of France
-Worships John Moses Browning as a deity
-Once discovered the secret to eternal life, but forgot to write it down
-Feels only twelve different emotions
-Unsuccessfully attempted to jump over three goats on his bike (he didn't use a ramp)
-Had his first near-death experience in the womb, where he was inexplicably attacked by a honey badger
-Has a less impressive body count than the common cold (one gopher confirmed, another probable)
-Hopes to ascend to Valhalla in the afterlife
-The first person in history to receive a doctorate in sarcasm
-Incapable of smiling without having a stroke
-Avoids using the word 'irony' whenever possible
-His middle finger is chambered in .45 ACP, but lacks a firing mechanism
-When left to ferment, his blood turns bright purple
-Will use any excuse possible to have ranch dressing: salad, veggie trays, hot wings, potato chips, hamburgers, cereal, cookies, sunflower seeds, cream of mushroom soup, fish sticks, ice cream, and more ranch dressing
-Did not attend senior prom, but instead played Fallout: New Vegas and drank Mountain Dew that night
-President of the Minnesota Coalition of Pathological Liars